How To: Drunk Eat Like A Betch

For a betch in her late teens and early twenties it is one of the best kept secrets that 85% of her weekly calories are consumed between the hours of 12 am and 4 am on Thursday, Friday, and/or Saturday nights. Betches across the nation diligently starve themselves all week only to have their holy diets ruined after six too many vodka shots at the bars with their besties. Suddenly in a blackout stupor, the US Weekly image of Bethenny Frankel"s skinny arm is no longer ingrained in our brains and the kale chips we purchased at Whole Foods seem about as appetizing as a semen coolatta. 

Instead all we"re fantasizing about is sitting on our couch with our besties watching RHOBH reruns while trying to stay awake long enough for our extra cheese pizza to arrive. Drunk eating as a betch involves much the same things as drunk eating as a normal person except for us it"s the one judgment free hour of the week when there"s nothing gluttonous about ordering from three different Seamless diners on your dad"s credit card.

Unlike when we"re sober (very rarely) and pretending food is dead to us, when you"re drunk it"s more fun to see how much more disgusting fat food you can order than everyone else. Whether you"re forcing a cab driver to take you through a McDonalds drive thru or crafting a delivery order that requires a 15 dollar tip, every betch knows that drunk eating is more about the process than the actual ingestion. See! I can drunk eat all the baked ziti pizza slices and truffle mac and cheese I want and look, I"m still #5 skinnier than you!

Don"t remember it 

Much like with #135 party fouls, once you"ve drunk eaten you can"t go back, unless of course you"re bulimic. However drunken feasts are much like drunk texts in that if you destroy the evidence you"ll probably never have to know how bad it really was. So get rid of that pizza box before the evidence of your transgression is staring you at the face for the next 24 hours.

Turn into your favorite superhero, The Incredible Disgusting Slob

Drunk eating is the only thing besides instagram which allows us to showcase our creativity and sophisticated palates when it comes to cuisine, so always remember that the more disgusting and random your drunken concoctions, the better. Waking up to find mysterious ketchup packets and cheese wrappers everywhere might puzzle a sober visitor, but a betch knows it"s just a sign that one of her besties is probably at home vomming one of her infamous olive oil soaked grilled cheeses this morning. Sure when you"re sober you"re more selective about what you put in your mouth than a receptionist at Equinox but once wasted you have no problem eating condensed cream of mushroom soup cold and straight from the can. Oh metabolism you are one hilarious motherfucker.

The next day, express #13 Sunday morning regrets and create a fake pact with your roommate to never drunk eat again

Omg, I can"t even believeee what we ate last night. I"m never eating again. Seriously if you let me order from that place again tonight I will sell your Chanel bag on ebay while you"re at class.

Pay for your Sins  

A post binge workout after a night of drunk ravenous eating is basically why they invented Sundays. Sure you"d have to run on the treadmill for 4 hours with a tribe of third world babies on your back to burn off the 1,400 calories you consumed last night, but that doesn"t mean you shouldn"t try.

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/how-to-drunk-eat-like-a-betch

How To: Drunk Eat Like A Betch

guide, how to

Betchy Linguistics: “But That’s None Of My Business”

This week’s Betchy Linguistics is more like a Know Your Meme because we’re covering a meme that needs to be in every betch’s repertoire. It’s called “…But That’s None of my Business.”

First, some examples:

So if you couldn’t put it together yourself (it’s okay, not all betches are known for our math skills) “but that’s none of my business” is your go-to for pointing out people’s everyday hypocrisy and/or ridiculousness without looking like you really give a shit.

Even though the above examples were kind of ratchet, you can totally translate these to everyday betch life, with some imagination. Some less ratchet, more betchy (not saying you can’t be both, but…) examples include:

“You said you were too busy to go out last weekend, when we all know you finished an entire season of South Park…but that’s none of my business tho.”

“You have 3000 Instagram followers but only 12 likes…but that’s none of my business.”

“You skipped my bday dinner cause you’re on a ‘diet’ but you had 4 Long Islands last night…but that’s none of my business.”

You’re mad at Kevin for being a SAB when you give out your number like it’s candy on Halloween…but that’s none of my business tho.” (Be sure to spell it “tho” as a symbol of your nonchalance.)

But betches, this isn’t just for the internet. Making a personalized meme every time you wanted to throw shade at someone would take wayyy too much time anyway. You can do it in person, too. You just talk your shit like you normally do, add “but that’s none of my business tho” real sly, and look away and casually sip your drink. You’re aware, but aloof. You don’t take bullshit, but you don"t really care that much, either. It’s the perfect move for the casual shit-talker.

Now that you’ve added a new shit-talking method to your arsenal you can get back to bitching about your coworkers, even though you’ve just spent the past few minutes reading this post…but that’s none of my business.

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/betchy-linguistics-but-thats-none-of-my-business

Betchy Linguistics: “But That’s None Of My Business”

culture, guide, Lifestyle, linguistics

How To Deal With Being The Betch In The Middle

Since we’re so popular and hot our friend groups are huge and besties tend to get in dumb AF fights on the reg. You might find yourself caught in the middle of an awks situation so here’s how to deal.

Situation #1:

Both besties are wrong and you’re truly sick of their unnecessary drama. They both try to get you to hear their POV and this bores you more than keeping up with the news. You can’t exactly tell them that you DGAF so make up some excuse about having to volunteer at a homeless shelter or cleaning up garbage in your town park because TBH that sounds more appealing than reasoning with dumb and dumber.

Situation #2:

It’s clear who is right in the situation, but you don’t want to have one of your besties mad at you so keep your opinions to yourself and act dumb/drunk when they’re asking for your input. “Soooo sorry I can’t mediate this situation right now, I’ve had like 5 glasses of wine with dinner.” Better to be the betch with a drinking problem, than a betch with two faces.

Situation #3:

You somehow get involved by making a comment in favor of one of your besties over brunch last weekend (too many mimosas get you running your mouth sometimes) and the other betch starts angrily texting you about how your betrayal hurts more than the lipo she got last summer. Wait a day or two before responding to let her calm down and then respond with a mediocre apology and some dirt you have on the other bestie in order to level the playing field. All’s fair in love and betch war.

Bottom line: If these solutions fall short (which they might since you can never 100% predict how bat shit crazy betches can get sometimes) tell your besties to fuck off and hire a therapist. You’re not Dr. Phil.

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/how-to-deal-with-being-the-betch-in-the-middle

How To Deal With Being The Betch In The Middle

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10 Things Freshman Betches Should Know

For the betches of the Class of 2018, get ready to be the envy of every frat guy and SWUB (Senior Washed Up Betch). You’re like the new shiny toy all the frat boys want to play with. Like if college was an MTV Challenge you all are the fresh meat. Anyway enough analogies, in addition to sweaty frat makeout sessions (more on those later), your freshman year is also characterized by many, many mistakes. Take our advice and maybe you’ll avoid the Freshman 15 Minutes of Shame.

1. People can see you when you’re “dancing” with your groin attached to some frat bro’s and your lips are suctioned together. Although it seems obvious, when you’re wasted in the middle of the dance floor with the frat star of your dreams, it’s easy to forget that people are watching, and might be judging. JSYK.

2. Don’t drink the Everclear. Seriously. 10/10 times in my life I have blacked out, thrown up, and lost my ability to walk, Everclear has been the culprit. Trust me when I say nothing good will ever come from drinking Everclear.

3. Just because something is unlimited doesn’t mean you should consume it in limitless amounts – the dining hall is not your friend. Whether it’s pizza, Diet Coke, or even hummus, eating unlimited quantities of anything except air is going to make you put on 15 pounds.

4. Find out where the library is, so you know to avoid it.

5. Also find out where the gym is, and don’t avoid it. (See above)

6. Get your fake before you go to school. Otherwise, good luck rolling up at the bar with the same fake Florida ID literally half the freshman class has.

7. You can never have too many tanks. Remember that.

8. You probably don’t need a printer. You just need a friend with a printer. Sure I used one in college, but when I wasn"t spending $6 million on ink cartridges it sat collecting dust and taking up valuable space. Which it continues to do since I"ve used it exactly 0 times since graduation.

9. Every other girl will be wearing a crop top and high-waisted shorts on her first day of orientation. Don’t be that bitch. Protip: Bros love sundresses.

10. Bring some ridiculous, costumey shit (like neon spandex) with you because you never know when the next theme party will be. Actually, you do know. It’s tomorrow. You’ve been warned.

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/10-things-freshman-betches-should-know

10 Things Freshman Betches Should Know

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